this is my web diary/blog.

it's been exactly 2 weeks since last blog post. totally keeping with my schedule guys dont worry!

hmmm... what happened since last time...? it's hard to remember. march is usually the month where things get really bad for me, and then start looking up after. that didn't happen this year. i'm just gradually feeling better and better. i'm really glad for that =). OH I REMEMBERED SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED. i got a utah driver's license (yay!!), applied for medicaid (still pending approval... boo..), and styled the wig for my muse dash len cosplay =3 (here's a pic of that, by the way):

yeah, i look like a typical len cosplayer. nothing can be done about that, i suppose...

i also got my gf a birthday gift! but.. in the unlikely event of her looking at my website, i don't want her to be spoiled on what i got for her. so i'm not gonna show you guys until after i give it to her! i also bought a new binder (which i kinda really needed), and 2 sets of blue contacts, for my cosplay with quilly. i'm SOOOOO excited for that cosplay, and by extension, lvl up expo. i'm bringing my little brother with us too! and it's less than a month away.. i'm so excited!!!! though.. since we're gonna have to share a room with my bro, quilly and i can't have loud and passionate sex every night of our trip. :((( lame...

speaking of sex.. um. haha hilarious segue, i'm kind of crazy about having sex nowadays. maybe because it's the 2 year (!!!!) anniversary since i gave my virginity to her ♡. totally tmi, probably, but i'm excited about that, okay??? so we've been having sex for 2 years now and i'm so fucking happy about it. i love her so much. i never wanna have sex with anyone else. ever. and i guess that's all i will say about that for now... at least you got the lore drop about me Not being a virgin??? if that's even a good thing to know about. idk

sigh. tomorrow i work, again. i work 6.5 hours tomorrow. i'm not excited about it, i'm super tired this week for some reason. i feel really fatigued.. i wonder why... (<--- knows exactly why)

i'm SUPPOSED TO put some new shit on my site tonight, but i honestly dunno if i will. i'm not sure. idk. i wanna add more fun little things to it but! idk what exactly! and most things are either hard to code, or uninteresting to me... =/ whatever i'll find something byeeeee

for once, a non-sunday update. today is thursday, actually. i just came on here to say that: i have had TERRIBLE MISFORTUNE when it comes to this date in particular, but i'm doing well today! lemme just... offload my 3/13 rant onto my blog. for fun.

march 13th, 2020 was the day i was taken into an urgent therapy session for my suicidal and self-harming tendencies.

before that, at school, a girl named angela had written a note confessing that she liked me, and i gave her my phone number. but i liked someone else. i kept it vague to not hurt her feelings.

it was the day before spring break started at my school. it was friday the 13th. it was raining. when the rumors had hit our 7th grade class, that this would likely end up being an unexpectedly long "break," the excitement ramped up.

i was taken out early for my appointment. the therapy was fine, i felt sick the whole time, but it was normal. my mother was told about me hurting myself and i knew how she would react when we were home.

mom had been split from cameron for some time, but for some ungodly reason, she invited him to come to olive garden with us. id never been there before and i was curious about their food.

we were in a long line, and the police came in. they were looking for mom. she had left the building when she saw them pull into the parking lot

i don't remember their questioning, but i remember how scary it felt. what did mom do?

cameron was taken out too, and we were told to wait for mom. she came back in, face red from crying, and took us to grandma's house. i didn't get any more detail about the situation.

i was extremely anxious, so i talked to my friends from school on discord. things were fine, but then i made one of my usual, slightly suicidal jokes, and they became very concerned for me. it turned into a painful confrontation, and then a fight.

i split on my friend, finley. they kicked me from the server to calm down for a while. this had been going on for hours, when i finally decided to give up and drop my phone.

i didn't want to go on living anyway, why try fixing what happened with my friends? especially after they ignored and denied my attempts to show that i wasn't as mentally unstable as they insisted?

i remember going outside, and my arm getting caught in the latch of grandma's gate, a dark purple bruise forming.

grandma found me and took me inside to talk about what was going on.

my mom was arrested and convicted of being an accessory to cameron's physical and sexual abuse of his biological and stepchildren-- including me. i knew what he was doing to us FELT bad, but we were always told it was fine.

cameron was taken to court multiple times, usually over zoom, throughout the lockdown that started on that day.

i was cooped up inside, and even though my friends seemed to hate me, they let me contact them again after my week of real life "self-care" that we agreed on.

my mom wasn't arrested, but her childcare license was revoked. she had to work at a newly-opened bed and breakfast after quarantine restrictions settled.

that was just 2020, haha. sorry for wording it so bluntly. i usually do that when im ranting, idk i guess i feel like it conveys the drama more???

march 13th, 2021, i was taken on a trip to florida to visit my grandpa. it was a terribly dysphoric trip, and my sisters and mom were extremly mean to me the whole time. also, mask and social distancing mandates were still in place, and my mom was extremely annoying about being against them. like, if you don't like restrictions on being in public, DON'T TRAVEL ACROSS THE COUNTRY??? anyway.

i also was told that i would move to colorado city, arizona, a tiny town on the ut-az border. they're mildly famous for the flds polygamist cult. they're also extremely racist, homophobic, and sexist there. there's nothing to do, either. i was also being moved away from the girl i've been in love with since age 12-- and who was my only friend, misha.

when we got home from florida, we packed up and moved away from cameron's house, into the town i would be trapped in until august 2024.

march 13th, 2022 wasn't quite so bad. i was forced to go to a family "therapy" session where my mother basically blamed me for our terrible relationship, and repeatedly denied my mental health issues and transgender identity whenever i tried explaining that THOSE REASONS are why i act so hurt and reserved around her. she also told me that i will always be her "precious daughter." we got into a fight that day and she took my phone.

march 13th, 2023, my girlfriend was on a 10-day trip in europe. i was happy for her, but i missed her terribly. i relapsed because i was under so much stress, between her absence and my "favorite person" situation with my friend, jax.

march 13th, 2024. my cat, isamu, was badly hurt while playing outside. i don't know what happened, to this day. my mom repeatedly denied bringing him to the vet, and he was acting stressed and pained. i finally convinced her to take him to the vet, where he got stitches and painkillers prescribed to him. while waiting for the vet to fix him up, many police cars were racing toward colorado city, sirens blaring. mom got a call from grandma about her new fiancee, ben. he was at the hardware store with my little sister, and the police were surrounding him with guns drawn. grandma had to rush to take everlee away from what was happening. mom took the van to colorado city and left me at the vet.

then i got a text from misha, telling me that her mother found a job in salt lake city, and they will probably move away. i was destroyed, naturally. i had to try not to cry in the vet's office. i already had to move 45 minutes away, and now she would leave me AGAIN? on the same day that my mom's partner almost got everlee severely hurt, and my cat was in danger of infection and bleeding out? yeah, not a good day.

anyway that's my traumadump, haha. march 13th has historically been a rough day for me. some other life-changing shit has happened in march, not specifically on the 13th. but it's weird that this date, specifically, stands out.

some really good things have happened in march too, though. isamu was born in early march 2023, and my girlfriend and i had our "first time" on march 25th, 2023. idk it's just strange-- that 3/13 is such a terrible date for me. hopefully things will be different this time.

actually, it was raining for most of the day. weird coincidence...

hi, hello. another sunday update. not a big surprise, huh?

today, quilly went to vegas with her dad. pretty common occurrence for a sunday, but i always miss her while she's gone. i'm always lonely, with nobody to talk to. i have fun things that i can do, but missing her is still hard.

anyway, i put together a decora outfit with the clothes i already have, because i was feeling inspired. i actually did the same thing about a year ago, here are pics from 2024 and 2025:

wish i had a way to include comments on my website/blog posts.... that way you could tell me what you think! whatever. i like the second one more than the first, i think, but the first one is more masculine and... i think subtle? it was definitely more uncomfortable though. i remember it being really sweaty. also sorry that i don't have a fullbody pic of the first one, idk where that pic would be. i didn't know if i would like the double-necktie look on the newer one, but honestly i think it goes hard. i've never seen someone do that before, personally, so that makes it even cooler. i also really cooked with the idea of incorporating my knee-high converse. very fun to decorate them, AND they take up some space on my empty, boring pants! was so fun to wear that outfit for a bit. idk if you can tell but i also put my miku ita bag on it! ouguughgh im never gonna shut up about this. so fun. i need to wear decora more.

other than that, i have done... pretty much nothing all day. it's around 4 PM rn. i wanted to go out in my awesome outfit, but most places are closed on sunday because i live in goddamn utah. also, i'm worried about the old people out here being weird to me for wearing clothes that are.. out there. siiighhh.

hmmm.. i don't know what to do next, it's so hard to choose! i've been wanting to make a song recently but i lose my motivation so quickly. blahhhh. i might watch some anime or make perler charms, both sound fun. just something chill for sunday. man i just remembered i have to go to work tomorrow. i don't want toooooo!!!! >-< i fucking HATEEEEE waking up at 7 AM.

i've started playing fortnite with quilly and her internet friends, dizzy and okapo. lot of fun. i wish i could've played more last night, but my eyes were really strained because i decided to not wear glasses OR contacts. really smart move when i KNOW i get chronic headaches from eyestrain (among other things)...

back on like.. tuesday? i think? maybe wednesday-- whatever-- i visited the office for where i used to go to therapy and talked with the secretaries, trying to get myself re-enrolled. this was after quilly told me she was really concerned and felt i needed to get treated. i know i do, i just tend to think it's okay to live while only half-functioning, because i'm not hurting anyone. she pointed out to me that it's actually pretty hard for the people around me if i keep going through life like this. so i tried to get back in therapy with my old therapist, cleola. they said they'll get back to me when they have a working contract with az medicaid. i have an arizona health insurance plan because i couldn't get utah health coverage-- long fucking story. so my mom just has me on accchs rn. it means i have VERY limited options for health and medicine though, on account of living in utah. even when i lived in colorado city, the little town on the arizona side of the ut-az border, it was hard to get certain types of medical care. we only had a tiny clinic, cherish families, and a small dental office. many people had to go to st. george for medical attention, and it's rare that utah providers take arizona insurance. it's either that, or go to flagstaff, arizona. that's a good 5-hour drive away from here, so you can see why i'm really hoping my old counseling office can get that contract. anyway, i'm just glad i made a big step toward therapy. this time, i'm a legal adult, so my therapist doesn't have to report things to my mother, like my csa. i used to avoid that topic when i was seeing her before, because i know my mom wouldn't believe me if i told her what happened with her ex-husband. she didn't believe my stepsister, karlee, when she alleged the terrible things he did. no reason she'd believe me if she was told, years after the divorce, that he molested me too.

don't think anything major has happened recently. just kinda.. making my way through life. doing pretty good, feeling better than i did throughout january and february. let's hope march keeps looking up!

i'm still a little artblocked, but i'm creating when i can. getting more serious about writing the lore for my idol manga project, Farewell~Girls!! (the exclamation points are part of their name, btw. i'm not quite that excited just to mention them haha). i plan to post their story and development on here when it's further along. i love them and that's all the info i wanna give you rn =) bye for now! i'm gonna work on my online classes to get EVEN FURTHER ahead.

okay. my first blog entry today got me thinking about cameron, the man who abused me (and my previous stepsister) when i was a kid.

why not trigger myself, huh? i found the news articles about what he did. i have said in a previous post that i would eventually get into the shit my mom (and her previous partner) had done to me and the other kids in their lives, so here it is. i'll start with my mother. this is not an official accusastion or anything of the sort. this is my experience being recounted loosely, as i don't remember that much from my childhood. i will respect the privacy of my previous stepsiblings in the process of this writing.

i will start with the context for this. my mother and cameron got married on july 4th, 2014. at the time of marriage, cameron had two children in his custody: my previous stepbrothers. my mother had me and my younger half-sister. their marriage made cameron my stepfather, and his sons into my stepbrothers. we were a blended family, and we had our problems-- pretty dysfunctional. but things weren't all that bad.

mom and cameron won over custody of cameron's other children, girls who would become my previous younger and older stepsisters, respectively.

i refer to them as my "previous stepsiblings" because we haven't spoken in years, and the marriage that brought us together is long gone. for the sake of this story, i will call the oldest child (my stepsister) K, and the younger of my old stepsisters, N. the stepbrothers are not related to this story, but they will be A and B if mentioned.

i'll start with my mother, the lesser of the evils. particularly with the younger kids, she would pull on hair, clothes, or limbs to get them to listen at times. when i was younger, she would do the same to me. she would pull on my hair if i was particularly bad. a few times i got soap in my mouth (typical punishment for swearing, i think?), but that was much less common as i grew up. spanking was rare but would still happen sometimes. she often yelled at us, if she was particularly upset. that's not abusive and i'm not saying it is, but it's still scary and unhealthy for the children. she also used to forcibly feed us a shot glass of hot sauce or vinegar as punishment. i don't know what to think of that now, but it is mentioned in the article about cameron's felony charge on sexual assualt. other than that, she just was very mean if any of us acted up, which would obviously happen often because we were kids! she's always been mildly emotionally abusive/manipulative, but this is not to accuse her of being a bad mother. nobody is perfect. what i AM saying, though, is that she is a major reason for my mental health issues now. i constantly hide my true feelings and self from her, because i've always felt scrutinized and judged by her. she also repeatedly fails to be empathetic or understanding to me. that is my own experience. as i mentioned, she is not the type to understand or validate my struggles-- she would not believe me if i told her about what cameron did to me, or the effect it's had on me.

she got charged as an accomplice/accessory to child abuse, in the police report from this article about cameron: abc4 news also, i'm using this paragraph as the primer for cameron. to summarize the article, cameron had a track record of child abuse misdemeanors and previous sexual assault on a minor. my mother did not mention that charge to me, not once, until after we split from him. she probably didn't want me to know he was an abuser. anyway, he was under scrutiny because of an incident in 2018 where he slapped N for accidentally hurting the dog. he was also charged for tampering with a witness, because he and my mother both repeatedly told the other kids that what was happening was not harming us, it was normal discipline. my mother got an accomplice charge, and had her childcare license revoked. in 2019, K reported cameron for sexual assault.

about K: i did not understand the situation properly. she had been brought into the family when she was around 12 or 13, and i was 9 or 10. K was generally safe in this home environment, until these incidents were happening. she often complained about missing her home, the one she was taken from, but nothing too serious. we would stay up late into the night, just chatting. i don't remember what year this was, but one time, she mentioned what cameron had been doing to her. i didn't know if this was true or false, i knew her to be one who would exaggerate or tell stories. i believed her, but she told me that he said not to say anything. i figured that meant i should stay quiet too. after all, that's what my mom said about how they treated us, too. i wish i believed her. my mother told me, some time after, that K was "telling stories" about cameron and not to mind them. i listened, not knowing any better. K, i'm still sorry. i wish i listened to you and believed you and followed my gut. i hope you're doing better now. actually-- i just looked her up online. i found her on facebook. she seems a lot happier. i'm happy for her too. i'm glad she got out of there. you were a good sister to me. i'm sorry i was so mean and condescending. i had a weird complex with being the "oldest" in the family, and then you came along and changed it. i had such an ego. haha.

presumably, during or before what was happening with K, i was being assaulted by cameron. he never did things that were as "severe" as in K's case, though. i was around 12 when the above article was written, and cameron was actively harming me. i don't like to be specific, as it makes me feel ashamed, but i'll say it: he used to touch my genitals, my breasts, and my butt. he would fondle me in these areas, rub my thighs, and put his hand into my shirt or the waistband of my pants. i don't remember when it started, i can only assume when i was around 10-11. i was starting puberty, and i was already slightly chubby, therefore making my body more "curvy" than average for my age. i still struggle with the feeling that if it weren't for my early puberty or my curves, i might've been left alone. i know it's not true. i know it. and i still have that feeling sometimes. i remember my mom telling him not to do that once. maybe she told him multiple times, i don't know for sure. i know that this happened multiple times though. i remember being a bit confused; i wasn't sure if this was a normal sign of affection or something innapropriate, at least at first. he touched my mother like that. he touched K like that. i thought it wasn't anything to worry about.

i was in girl scouts around this time. i remember buying an old girl scout handbook and it had a section about sexual abuse. i remember fixating on that section, reading it again and again. it gave me this sick, cathartic feeling. at the time, i misinterpreted the feeling that it gave me as sexually stimulating. looking back, i feel sick. that was my body's response to the things he was doing to me. it was a defense mechanism. i barely knew how bad the things he was doing were. i may have felt that it wasn't right, but i didn't know just how wrong all of it was.

when i started menstruating, i wore pads around the house. one time he went to touch me, and saw the lump the pad made in my underwear. he looked at me and said, "ewwww." it got on my nerves. it was one of the first times i saw the truth: he was viewing me as a sexual object. he had to acknowledge that i was starting to have periods. he didn't like it. it had the dual effect of making me feel dirty and used and corrupted, as well as dysphoric. i still can't wear period pads without thinking about this. it happened multiple times, he would make sure that i KNEW he saw the pad. he would subtly shame me for the natural functions of my body, while taking advantage of it for his own benefit.

when i was 11 or 12, i had gotten an xbox one and wanted to play with some kids from school, who at the time i saw as friends. before i tell this story though, here's some context: they would make innuendos from what i said, they would take advantage of the fact that i was "gullible," and they would comment on my body at times. they were all cis males. i thought this was normal teasing. and i rarely understood the innuendo and innapropriate implications that they would push on me for saying completely normal things. they were not good friends, and i thought they were. anyway, now i'll get into this incident. i had gotten my xbox subscription set up and could play online with my friends. i hopped into fortnite (this was in 2018, fortnite was very popular among 11-12 year olds). i joined the voice chat, headset on, laying on the couch. cameron was sitting next to me, looking at something on his phone. he was looking at me from the side, but i thought it was fine. he rubbed my thighs and moved his hand to my genitals. everything happened as i was clothed, but i felt a terrible, burning sensation in my chest. he was hurting me. he was making me feel unsafe. i felt sick and i didn't know what else to say. without muting first, i said, "dad. don't touch me there." my "friends" heard and they were laughing. they mimicked me, they moaned dramatically, they made a joke about me being distracted from the game. i still feel sick thinking about it. these were my friends, right? why would they treat what is CLEARLY a cry for help, as a joke? i didn't play with them again, of course. i hadn't played fortnite until now, because of that (among other things).

this has been a long rant. i've said a lot of things i've never admitted to other people. but i'm 18 now, it's been years since cameron has harmed anyone. but i still hate him and i will never forgive him. other victims, please, don't feel bad for not forgiving your abuser. they don't deserve anything for what they did to you. find someone safe, tell them what happened. things will get better, and you're definitely not alone.

my mother is still friends with cameron. she's brought us to visit him on various occasions. she doesn't seem to acknowledge or believe the multiple sexual assault charges he's faced. he is a disgusting monster and he deserves to stay locked up. i wish they hadn't let him out of prison. people like him deserve whatever version of hell you may or may not believe in. my mother is complicit in the harm he's caused to me, N, K, and the girl he assaulted back in 2008. i wrote this because i need somewhere to tell the truth, even though it's already come to light. he was arrested multiple years ago, but i won't let the people reading this forget.

more time flew by without me working on my website. big surprise. at least it's only been a week. it seems like sunday is turning out to be the most common update day for me. not that surprising honestly, my girlfriend sleeps in really late anyway, and sundays are usually my lazy days. work five days a week, saturday for fun and going out, sundays to sit around and prepare for next week. i'm really turning into a normal, employed adult, huh?... ugh.

okay can i rant about this? (rhetorical question because i know you don't have a choice). yesterday was the aforementioned presotea anniversary. shit was NOT FOR THE WEAK. SO. MANY. ORDERS. like, we're not usually that busy at all. the most i've ever seen before was on new year's day (... for some reason?). this was genuinely the most busy and crowded the shop has EVER BEEN. i don't think new year's even came CLOSE to yesterday. it goes without saying that this was kind of overstimulating. i really should've eaten more before going in that day. i was so fucking dizzy... like it wasn't even funny, i was actively becoming a zombie bro. dawg. my boss, his wife, and their daughter left at like 3 to get lunch, and nick and i were on our own. THAT WAS THE BUSIEST TIME OF THE DAY. we got like 15 orders in a row, not halting for a second, people just kept coming in. and i kept taking their orders at the kiosk while nick trudged through the drinks. i put a lychee strawberry fruit tea into the system as a lychee fruit tea, so i fucked that up for everyone else. i wrote "^strawb" by "lychee" on the label to try and correct it, but it made everyone else confused. i felt like a huge asshole. even now i'm like, my god! what an idiotic move! whatever.

needless to say, we were not getting through the orders in a timely manner. being insanely understaffed on the busiest day in our history isn't going to go well! this guy, brian, and his two friends (or whatever) ordered SEVEN FUCKING DRINKS AT ONCE BY THE WAY? DAWG. and it's not like this guy singlehandedly caused the rush... we were already on a backlog of like 3 orders around 2-3 drinks each, most of them being smoothie-type blended drinks that take longer to make than teas. needless to say. these guys almost fuckin killed me! every time i thought they were done ordering drinks, they kept going... oughhhhh. after brian, we got like 5 more orders, still only two people working, and i wasn't even able to help nick with the orders because more people were at the desk trying to order!!!! AGH!!!!!!!! when jose and claudia finally came back in, we had so many orders that it was hard to know where to start. oh and the cherry on top? WE RAN OUT OF BOBA. WE HAD TO WARM UP ANOTHER BATCH. WHICH TAKES 12 MINUTES. we told everyone that was waiting (because the majority of them ordered with boba as a topping) that we ran out, so it'd take even longer to finish their drinks but we were trying our best, and some of them started acting soooo annoyed. eugh. i fucking hate the pressure of people being impatient.

of course, i survived. i'm writing this post, after all. things calmed down after claudia and jose came back, we finished the orders (albeit very slowly), and things settled down at around 6 (which is when my shift ended.) min (friend of presotea, used to work with us but now only covers weekend shifts if there's an emergency) brought SIX CLAW MACHINES and tokens for people to play them. super cool. she used to be into vocaloid too! so every time i work with her, we talk about vocaloid and otaku stuff. not that i'm like, an "otaku." lol. anyway. when my shift ended, i actually stayed for a little longer, but when i clocked out i played the claw machines. i won knockoff pokemon plushies of mew and snorlax. they're displayed in my car's back window now =3

here are some group pics we took at the end of the rush. my face is soooo fucking red in them (cry) because i was really stressed and sweaty and overstimulated. enjoy i guess-- i'm the emo freak on the left (duh).

enough about my irl stuff, i guess. i haven't added much to this site, still. i don't really know what to put, or how to put new stuff. i'm thinking i should include more images. maybe i'll do that. hmmm.

idk what else to write now. ... maybe i'll update the site if i think of anything. but im really thirsty rn so i guess i'll deal with that, haha. bye!

WAIT. SOMETHING MAJOR HAPPENED AND I FORGOT TO PUT IT HERE. i went to my first-ever protest!!!! back on monday, i took the day off and went to an anti-trump protest. i brought quilly and my irl friend mars. I WAS SO FUCKING EXCITED AND FOR GOOD REASON. the protest was awesome. started and ended peacefully, met a lot of cool people, and barely any opposition to the protest. we started at the county admin building, and at one point we marched to the town hall. chanted with everyone, made some signs, and made some noise! that was one of the most invigorating feelings i've ever had. the extrovert in me was crazy about being in a crowd of people and venting our frustrations together. quilly was super worried leading up the protest though, she was terrified that something bad would happen. i was a little scared, but i didn't let it get to me. she honestly didnt even want to go, but she was so worried for me that she forced herself to. i'm glad that nothing bad happened, and she is too. if the signs me and my friend made weren't in my car, i'd take pics of them. but my car is parked outside, in the guest parking area, all the way on the other side of the community. blah. i'm too lazy to go get 'em. but anyway, yeah, that's what happened. i'm definitely going to attend more protests in the future.

it's been exactly two weeks. maybe every two weeks would be a better blog-updating schedule. some shit happened since the 2nd, so i'm gonna recap that, i guess.

on the night i wrote my last blog post, i ended up relapsing on self-harm. i just felt an impulse and i listened to it. i feel terribly guilty for it, even now. i tried hiding it from my gf and only could for a little over a day. when she found out, she was understandably hurt. we barely talked for almost two days after that. lots of tears. lots of guilt. lots of "i'm sorry" from me. i really am sorry. i'm not doing it ever again. makes me sick just thinking about it now-- but at least we're doing better. i have to rebuild the trust that i betrayed, but that's the price i pay for my mistakes. she's not mad at me, at least, and i'm vowing to do better.

on another note, i'm consistently making 500 dollars per paycheck now! that's about 1000 a month. that'll be really cool once i'm done paying off my car (which is gonna be in march)! even though i'm going to basically replace the car payment with an equally-expensive insurance fee. with my last paycheck, i ordered cosplays of MUSE DASH RIN AND LEN!!!! we are going to lvlup expo in vegas with my gf's friend, lexi, and lexi's boyfriend. lexi, quilly (my gf's nickname), and i are going to be muse dash luka, rin, and len, respectively. we all designed stickers and ordered them from vograce too, so we can give them out to conventiongoers who recognize our outfits. i'm honestly not a lenhead, i don't like his fans at all. they're almost always freaks, or stereotypical white transmascs (which is not to say that i'm... NOT a sort of stereotypical white transmasc.. but they're definitely a type of guy). i am pretty much only cosplaying him because it matches with the others, and he's a boy. i don't mind crossplaying honestly, but i've been extra dysphoric for, like... 3 months now? i'm not betting on that just magically changing in april.

other than the upcoming expo in april, i have an anti-trump protest TOMORROW(!!!), presotea (my workplace)'s anniversary on the 22nd, paying off my car in march, and finishing all my online coursework on march 19th. not super busy, pretty big gaps between stuff, but that's what's new with me. quilly's birthday is on april 3rd, lvlup expo is the 25th-27th, her graduation is in may, and then we want to go on a road trip sometime to celebrate finishing highschool! we haven't worked out the details, but quilly and i are thinking that we wanna go to washington state, stopping in cali and the redwood forest along the way. that sounds really fun and i wanna make it happen. hopefully she's still interested, so we can actually plan it out. i'd have to save up money for gas, food, and excursions! finally-- looking forward into summer-- I'M SEEING PTV ON JUNE 20TH!!!!!! that's a long ways away, but i'm so excited. quilly is coming with, ofc. I FEEL CRAZY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

hmmm... think that's all the news. looking forward to the future, kinda bored in the moment, but overall i'm doing well. much better than two weeks ago. i wanna dye my hair SO FUCKING BADLY dawg!! i know it's not related but OUGHHHHHH :( i miss having stupid brightly colored hair. i want to go pastel blue, or half-bleached. very different, i know, but i love both and it's hard to decide between them. maybe it's a good thing i can't dye my hair while living here...

tonight, i've finally finished updating my pages to match the new layout and design, thanks to pierce the veil playing in the background. but before working on my site, today i slept in, drew for a few hours, cooked breakfast for my girlfriend (had to run to walmart to get tortillas in the middle of that!), and took her to the university testing center for a math exam. so, not much today. i don't know if i should feel like my sunday was wasted. whatever. i have work tomorrow, but it's only for 4 and a half hours, so it's not so bad. i just wish the weekend didn't feel so short! two days of rest compared to 5 of waking up early.. it's a little upsetting for me lol.

anyway, while on the topic of listening to pierce the veil while coding, i was dicking around and watching the "bulls in the bronx" music video instead of writing. and i found out that it was written in memory of a fellow pierce the veil fan, olivia jane penpraze. she had taken her own life in 2012. i didn't know who she was until tonight-- and while reading a message left on a tumblr page written in her memory, i discovered she was born on february 2nd, 1993. she would've been 32 years old today. rest in peace, olivia. your memory will never fade. honestly, it's heartwrenching to listen to that song with the knowledge that it was about her, especially on the day she was born. she was only slightly older than i am now, and in unfathomable pain. i wish only the best for her family, friends, and all who knew her. the same is true of every soul lost to suicide.

i don't usually get too serious here, but i mean it when i say that i would wish that sort of suffering on no one. i don't expect to be reaching people who are constemplating on taking their own lives, but if you are, please. please tell someone. life is precious. life is meaningful. each and every life has immeasurable worth, and using it to do literally anything, even if it feels meaningless or painful-- will always be more worth it than giving in. but, living is hard. i know that. that means it's even more imperative that you keep going on. thank you for being here right now. keep doing that. okay. that's my spiel. sorry, i get really passionate about this sort of thing. it's personal to me. i don't mean to sound preachy, but i probably always will. at least i'm not a counselor, i'd be terrible at that job.

i havent written anything in a minute. ive not actually been inactive, i just go in here and change the layout and text on a single page, then i'm too busy or tired to write an update or blog post. i'm drained now, as well. i just wanted to write something here to say that i'm going CRAZY over waterparks rn. and fuck our current president and his administration. i worry for our future. but in the present, i guess i'll keep stimming until my arms fall off to some parx. i need to get off of this computer bro my eyes and head hurt. bye

been a minute, huh? i've been on here every now and again, kinda dicking around with things and trying to improve or add shit, going fine but nothing major enough to list in the update log yknow. but GUESS WHAT. TODAY I FOUND A SITE IVE BEEN UNINTENTIONALLY REAAAAAALLY SIMILAR TO. like. here. dreamscape.nekoweb.org. dawg. im so sorry that i've been copying this guy UNINTENTIONALLY ever since i started this site. maaaaan. is there a way to change my url/name? i feel so bad. dude i promise im not trying to cramp this 15 year old's style lol, i only found this page cause it was linked as a neighbor on some recently updated site i was looking at. least i caught it early, huh?

anyway. i've not made any significant changes that'd make me wanna announce it or anything. and my site isn't really mobile responsive but i kinda don't care. i could do better with the accessibility and shit i guess, though. but idc mobile users SUCK IT UP!!!!!!! (lighthearted. im just honored that you're trying to look at my boring, bare-bones-ass site!)

christmas has come and gone. if you're surprised that i didn't immediately forget my blog and stop posting, i am too! i just feel... motivated to, you know? so i'm writing a new post rn. anyway. no real theme this time, i think, mostly a stream of consciousness spilled onto the internet.

i added the link to my site in my discord bio, so maybe i'll get visitors, who knows? if you're here, hiiii guys =3c

i think i wanna add a chatbox or comment section to my site sometime. that'd be fun. i know everyone has one, but i'd like to see if anyone who comes in has any thoughts, you know! maybe a hit counter too... if i can figure that one out... but i'm honestly more scared of the chatbox. seems more complex. maybe before any of that shit, i should make my own layout. hm. lots to consider. (does none of the above)

i've been listening to a lot of waterparks for the past few days. dunno what's wrong with me. lol. i usually avoid anything after entertainment because i think they got overrated past that point, which isn't to say that i think they're sellouts or that everyone who likes their new stuff is a poser and i'm better than them.

that's what i'm saying though. haha. nah, it just reminds me of how annoying i used to be, in that era where i just discovered fandom and thought i was hot shit, and THEN went back to their other stuff after being overly into their most popular album. and then greatest hits dropped, 2021, peak of my annoyingness. i was still in my jade green hair dye phase, still wearing those ugly fucking circle glasses, and listening to shit like penelope scott and waterparks and mcr and thinking i was cool. ewwwww.

but anyway, unfortunately, 2021 james was right. greatest hits is FUCKING FIRE and so is fandom. like yeah, telephone and i miss having sex are tiktok-ass music, but the rest is really good. gives me that bittersweet, nostalgic-for-a-worse-period-of-my-life feeling when i listen to em. and now that i actually went through and read the lyrics while listening, i can confirm, their lyrics are not only super relatable even though i'm just a normal guy, but also flow smoothly with the music. awsten knight may be a little annoying, but whatever. he deserves to be because his shit goes hard.

aside from my fake cheesy punk music (joke, i love pop-punk), i've also been trying to branch out and listen to actual punk rock. i've had a fascination with punk culture and fashion for a few years and i don't wanna be a poser anymore. it's hard to find bands that feel juuuuust right in the crucial areas: sound, politics/messages, and reputation. i love bands like blink, green day, and sum 41, but i know they're overrated and not actual punk. i wanna dig deeper but not too deep. and i'm not just gonna go in and listen to the ramones and misfits and call myself a punk, but i'm not gonna make myself listen to this awful band that formed and disbanded in 1986 and wasn't good during those few months. and um. sometimes older punk music is like, whoa dude, that's a slur! you know? like usually it's just for shock value but when your whole gimmick is being "borderline" mysoginistic, racially-motivated, homophobic, etc-- that's weird.

i've started with the compilation record, "short music for short people." it's weird, but i like the condensed attitude packed into each song. it's like they gave them a half-minute canvas to convey the bands' vibe with one piece. super cool. some favorites are "all cops are bastards" by terrorgruppe, "ketchup soup" by a band whose name i don't remember, "quit your job" by chixdiggit, and um.. some others. don't really remember. i like most of the punk songs i've been put on, i just feel like it's such a varied history and a huge subculture that it's hard to fully dive in. maybe i'll keep exploring subhumans. i've heard a few of their songs, i'm scum, internal riot, supermarket forces, and no. i like their sound so far.

on the vkei side of things, that's going similarly. i like a few songs by plastic tree, malice mizer, and some songs i've picked up here and there, but not all of them stick with me. i like how malice mizer and moi dix mois are like, vampire music, but beyond that it isn't that captivating to me. it's like evanescence, where it's a pretty song, but it doesn't.. hook me. i have to be in the mood to listen to it. goth rock is the same story. anyway, that's how things are going, musically. i really like punk and vkei style, moreso than goth, so i'm going to keep trying to learn more. like crunkcore, it may be difficult, but i could find something i really love!

it's technically christmas, though for me, it's still christmas eve. i haven't gone to sleep for tonight yet, and it's only about an hour into december 25th. i'm writing this because i suddenly felt compelled to on a whim.

i didn't finish the last entry because i was called to dinner. also. i accidentally dated the entry as "december 22nd, 2022," when that was.. two entire years ago! lol! fixed it now.

despite how dysphoric i've been the past week or so, my girlfriend's never stopped being supportive and loving. and i'm grateful for that. it may be cheesy, but, i wanna write this post with a general theme of "gratitude," for the holiday season.

first, i'm extremely grateful for my girlfriend, her mother, and their collective kindness to me over the past 6 (!!!!!!) years. they've been great to me.

it's hard to thank her for every single little thing, so this may be brief. i am obviously greatful that my girlfriend has been so loving to me, despite me being a bit of a handful at times. but i'm also glad that she held onto our friendship when it seemed beyond repair, all those years ago. i think i honestly would've killed myself if that had been the end, her being my favorite person, and me being extremely mentally unstable, and all. but beyond that point, i'm glad she didn't leave me when we first broke up. we'd been in a relationship for a few months, back around 2020. when we first broke up, it was because it wasn't healthy for either of us. she could've just ditched me then, and at so many other points, and she didn't. i'm also thankful that she always tries to understand me. and that she likes my silly, sometimes rowdy personality. and that she thinks i'm cute and isn't afraid to tell me. and that she's so open with her love toward me. and that she was brave enough to tell me how she felt, back on september 16th, 2022. i thought those feelings died long before we broke up in 2020. i'm glad she didn't stay quiet and suffer through it, assuming i'd moved on. quilly, i know you probably won't read this, but i will never. ever. move on from you. i love you, and thank you for the past two years. it's been beautiful.

now, my future mother-in-law has been a better mother figure to me than the one who birthed me-- which is not to diss on my mother (except it kinda is)... anyway. my point is. she's been very kind to me in many ways.

she was understanding to me when i came out as trans. she's used my preferred name and pronouns ever since, and i am so thankful for that. she was the first adult in my life to treat me with such kindness in regards to my identity. i'll never take it for granted. she's always upheld her promise that i'd forever be welcome in her home. she's never judged me, nor criticized her daughter, for my general weirdness. not when we were friends, and not now that we're dating. it's really nice. she was also understanding and supportive when my girlfriend told her we were in a relationship. she's allowed me to see her daughter and spend the night at her house, indicating her trust in us. and, finally, the kindest thing she has ever done for me: allowing me to live in her home. when my mother and i had a relationship that was quickly going south (which i WILL get into at some point), she was willing to take me in. of course, i was already planning to move in with her and my girlfriend before all of this, so she wasn't totally unprepared, but she allowed me to come more than two months earlier than expected. i'm still living here, and this is my first christmas with them. i will never stop being thankful for the kindness and generosity they've shown me. i'll keep making sure that each holiday with me is well worth the sacrifice, lol.

next, i'm grateful for my mother. no, things aren't perfect between us. she could have been a lot more caring and compassionate toward me, in a lot of ways. but she went through hell and back to make sure i was safe and provided for, for the first 17 years of my life. things weren't easy for her, and while that is no excuse for the way she (and the partners she had over the years) treated me, i'm willing to look past it. i'm grateful for the love and support that i and my siblings received from her over the years. she's a huge reason i am the person i am today, and while she hurt me in ways that'll take a long time to overcome, she was more of a positive force in my life. thank you, mom. and i'm still sorry.

and next, i'm thankful for all the friends i've had over the years. though i may or may not remember your names, your mark has been left on my heart, and even though i'm not conscious of it, the little things i do and say in my day-to-day life will always remind me of you. from the kids in elementary school that tolerated my obvious autism and "annoyingness," to the randos i met on amino and twitter, thank you. some of you are what kept me holding on in the darkest parts of my life.

and now for maybe the cheesiest part: thank you, younger james. you held on through a lot of shit, and you're the real reason i'm here right now. i know that i AM you, but you know, shout out to me. lol. when you were bullied and couldn't figure out why, when you were taught about what'd happen as you went through puberty and cried yourself to sleep, when you were cutting yourself and trying your best to hide it, and all those nights spent agonizing over the pain of what he did to you-- you kept going on. i'm proud of you for it. things really did get better, even though you didn't believe they would. and look at us now. merry christmas, james. =)

okay that was really cheesy and kinda tmi. anywayyyy. lemme get to the fun stuff about christmas.

i'm excited to give my gf and her mom their gifts! i got her mom pajamas (which were opened tonight, that's a tradition here at their house), some porcelain ramekins, a bunch of her favorite candy, and some new lotion/bodywash. i got my gf the stardew valley cookbook, a cute tenshi kaiwai-themed cinnamoroll hairclip, and the splatoon 3 deep cut amiibo. also, idk if it counts, but i got a miku figure that'll be displayed in our shared room, and i'm going to let her open it tomorrow. yaaaaay!!! oh also, i'm going to write in the journal that my gf and i share. she got it as an anniversary gift for us, and while we don't use it much anymore because i live with her, i like writing to her from time to time. i'm gonna start on that after i finish this post.

and i'm excited to see what i got too! tonight i opened my new pajamas, which were a pair of jack skellington lounge pants. they're really wide on me, but they're comfy! and they match both of my nightmare before christmas shirts perfectly! i am sooooooo excited for tomorrow!!!!

and uuuuum this is unrelated, but i guess it's christmas-themed, i wanna try kissing quilly under the mistletoe soooooo bad sometime. just thinking about that. lol

alright. think that's it. bye, and happy holidays =D

alrighty... here i am. i don't know what to write about, now that i'm actually making this. guess i'll start with how i've been.

i've been dysphoric and distant the past few days. but when i say "distant," i mean to everyone except my girlfriend, quilly. with her as an exception, i've felt disinterested in interacting with people, and increasingly uncomfortable with my body.

probably part of why i wanna do this instead.